two important friends in 2013

the first day of the last month. it's time to pack all the memories of this year. actually, this year seems like nothing much happen in my life. but it's do change a lot of my mind. started to know how important to meet and stay contact friends. And how important of a Facebook friend.

People do said the friendship in FB is just virtual. Things u see in FB is not the real. But, if u see a real friend who suddenly unfriend u, then now FB is telling the truth, this friendship is meeting some problem. This really bother me for some time. no matter what, she had introduce one of my interested handy craft thing to me, needle felt.

Besides this, been acting like the shadow of the White Kelisa for months, and i had really opened up my mind. Looking at she, talking with her, reading her blog......i can see a life of a woman. Her life iis not consider a perfect, or even good. Her mindset and attitude are kinda quirky and sometimes make me hate her, too. However, by seeing her behaviour, i know what i should do in my coming life. Maybe this is the thing i never do on the other people, that's why i can't see life. i can see her life like a story book, because i leave my life clean like a plain water? 

Oh well, that's good to has a person who can inspire u to do things hat u never do before. am appreciate much that meeting her in my life time and seeing her everyday, although without any conversation. 

thanks Gil for the needle felt

and thanks the White Kelisa for teaching me the meaning of life.

what a messed up mind

it's been long time not writing a letter, with pen on paper. And i think this is the first time i'm sending a real writing letter to a friend. don't curious, when i started to know how to write a letter, it's already is a e-world. not much chances for me to send a paper letter. well, this will be my first pos laju record, too. am feeling a little bit of excited.

However, i really confuse on what's the point of doing this stuff. am i chasing the girl, LM2? am i really just treat her like a normal girl friend? then how about the feeling on the kelisa? maybe i just thinking too much and messed up my mind. Well, should just keep it simple. i need life, i need friends...............in gender of girl.

i should stop all this nonsense and tidy up the mind before the brand new year coming. it's just two more months to go.....

shadow of a shadow

影子。它永远都是活在别人的生活里。不管那人好，坏。它都只有跟从，永远摆脱不掉。

可是可悲的是，有一个人不知不觉的竟成了某影子的影子。他，只有跟从影子，也摆脱不掉影子的主人。他只有活在别人的影子里。永远就被别人拖着走，无法活出自己。

Zero conversation

five days of working days passed.
not talked for a single word.
just sit side by side.
silent.

alone.
keep thinking.
feel suffer and guilty to myself.
the only person who can help, is ... me

鱼头故事

每当有家庭聚餐时，有个小孩都会吃掉桌上的鱼头。因为都没有人要吃。他觉得“随便啦，反正鱼头都不会有人吃的。留着也白费。随便啦，吃了它啦。” 因为他的随便，大人们都认定了“他喜欢吃鱼头”。 结果有一天，他不吃鱼头了。小孩要吃鱼肚。肥肥厚厚的肉。可这回大人们都问了，这回谁要吃鱼头了？大部分的都指向小孩。有的还大声的问小孩：“干嘛不吃鱼头？让些肉给其他人吃！”小孩不愿意。结果大家都只吃鱼身，鱼头也就摆在盘上，等着丢进垃圾桶。难道就只有那小孩能让步吃掉鱼头，其他大人不能？是否有人想过小孩本身喜不喜欢吃没什么肉吃的鱼头？每次把吃剩下的鱼头给小孩，他会喜欢吗？ 从那次之后，每有鱼端上桌，大人们都很快速的把肉分给自己，尽量都给小孩有机可乘。就此，小孩还是随便的让步，吃掉了那鱼头。因为除了他，也不会有谁会随便吃掉它了。他不想就那样的浪费掉食物。他也不想因为他，而破坏了一个家庭聚餐。

Hate

it's been a while for me in this kind of mood. Everyday thinking about the same thing. When facing the crowd, i just like pretend there's nothing happen. When facing the person, i just had word by word. When alone, i keep thing about her.

I'm suffering. And, i started to hate myself...

梦一场。。。

今天偶然的欲翻看Gill的羊毛毡照片，才发现原来她已经unfriend我了。疑惑。我不明白为何一个聊得来的旧同事，会找她聊心事的朋友，竟然选择离开我。
还记得一个半月前，她还凌晨半夜找我。我们还谈了些关于爱情的观点。她有男友，我有心上人kelisa。之后都只是一些简短的闲聊。我也不会常找她。反正就只是普通朋友。

错误的第一步？。。。我看她和男友出了些问题，我也就出自关心问了问你还好吗？
错误的第二步？。。。看见她status写了些我需要一个人，你别来烦我。当时我只是以好玩的心态，回复了：若欲不被人烦，那就别写这status。。。她回我message：请别写任何东西，我不想那个人来烦我。她也就delete status了。看见这，我立刻道歉。时隔大半天，在凌晨，我在想她道歉多一次，还问了个侯。她可没回复。。。过着过着。。。也就到了今天。。。她说欲慢慢删除朋友，只剩家人然后默默的离开。。。（是借口吗？）

我是否越界了？可是，你也能否告诉我一声“你越界了！”若是欲删除朋友，倒可一次性删除大量，为何一些mutualfriend还在呢？今天还加了几个朋友？？ 莫名的失去一个朋友，失去这友情，真的让我疑惑了。。。

除了爱情，友情也能像。。。梦一场

身旁的姐姐

几个月前， 有个好朋友告诉过我：放手，懂得放手的人才是强者。 在那晚，我们真的聊了一些平时喝茶都不会聊到的东西。 他果然比我成熟得多，亏我还说过他们大学生很幼稚。

放手。我不知几时才学会。每每看见她，坐在身旁，就会情不自禁的偷瞄。每天还会搜索她的部落格。

自从对她有感觉后，我开始了解了我。固执、自我保护、沉闷、幼稚、柔弱、还有，我就是喜欢。。。姐姐。

My love

It's interesting.
The first SHE. she love to listen jay chou's song. N i never understand why she so love to him. But once i know n started to fall into jay's song, she's not in my heart anymore.
The second SHE. She love to swim, i think. She been said the sport she do is swimming, but how frequent? I dunno. N i never swim because of scaring water. But once now i started to practice swim every week n love it, she's like going further from me. I think she is not in my heart anymore...

jealous

That kind of feeling seems like becoming lesser. But i still keeping my eyes on her. And being childish again. I'M JEALOUSY ON HIM BECAUSE HE GET HER ATTENTION. She try to get movie from him but never from me. How dare i can thinking like this. She willing to borrow others hard disk, isn't that a good sign she is friend with the others? Maybe the jealousy is on her. i'm jealous her because she have friends.

Childish; jealousy

she's got my number

she asked me for number. yes, she did. And i know is just because she's thinking of contact me when she wanna send her dog to siewyee.

last monday...or tuesday?? i really can't remember the time i talked to her....the day that i'm focus on my work. but she's like confusing on something. she's just keep looking on her note book. and like frustrating on something. i just can't remember is there any other ppl in the room. And she just suddenly turn to me. "Chung, can you give me your number?" Without asking reason, i just gave her like tat. And really just tat. after answer her i didn't even ask her to miss call me. i admited that i'm damn stupid n nerd. But i'm sure, she just take my number, n there is no other reason like i think of.

Well, the office is giving out some of the plush toy. i took one of my favourite. and i just go into the room and tell others "there's toys outside, go grab one!!". then, she go and grab one. chocoman she picked. She's just funny. after i keep peeping at her when she adjusting the plush to fit her seat, n she noticed me!! "what is your's, a horse?" XD     i think i fly on that moment~~~ but after all, we didn't say a bye on that day n even a Hi on the other day....things back to normal----silence

she not sms me about the dog during the holiday...

开不了口。不想开口

之间距离是那么的靠近，只是一步。
想要聊天是多么的方便，只需转头。
可是，就是零交流。就算是简单的早安再见也没开口。

经常在车时都会浮出一些想和她说的东西，可是每当见到她时，室内有其他人是，念头就打消了。害怕别人看见我们对话，不想别人知道我只对她打招呼，避免别人听到我们的谈话内容。。。这都是我自己超多余幼稚的顾虑。

其实，就算我开了口，她也只会轻轻微笑带过。心情好的可能会说说当下的workload。然后对话就会结束了。有时想，与其这样，倒不如不开口，就这样不打扰她，继续自己的工作。

在想，这是开不了口，还是就不想开口？也许现在只有周杰伦的歌曲最了解我。




你的发香  散得匆忙  我已经跟不上
我会发着呆  然后忘记你  然后紧紧闭上眼
想着哪一天  会有人代替  让我不再想念你

—— 周杰伦 。 轨迹 ——

Before Sleeping

Writing. i always draw better than write, but recently i really can't express my feeling through the drawing. All i can do now is write down all the things in my mind as a “memoir”.
After spending a week in the island with the turtles and new friend, now I had to face the pc and the concrete wall. Besides, I had to face another thing, the Kelisa.

During the week in Redang, I had started to think lesser of her. That’s good. I can away from her, without seeing her face, without listening to her sweet voice, without hearing her coughing. It’s a good way for me to forget her…..But not…..i had started to learn swimming. This can be not related to her, but swimming is the only sport I know she like. And her face shown in my mind when I’m trying to float. I’m still thinking of her…

OH well, let’s back to the real world. It’s Monday, the first day after the long holiday. I started a little conversation by asking her works (it’s really rare for me to talk to her in the early morning). And it end in a second…….as usual…. XD.  And minutes after, it’s so surprise to get her message. Ya, I’m so childish. Every time I see her name blinking at the bottom of the taskbar, she made my day~~ I seldom get message from others. Even if have the message from her, mainly is about the works. But surprisingly, this time not. It’s about the movie that we been anticipated since last year. She’d introduce me the first two movie of the series. And I still remember her face when I told her that the third film is coming on this summer. She’s so excited n and smile so sweet. “ Let’s wait together ^u^ “ by holding had on the chest. And I had an idea like date her for this movie IF it is shown in the cinema.

And well, she’d streamed online.  But great that she informed me. Atleast she thinks of me when she watch the movie??? (自我感觉良好～～) However, between us, we only have three topic. Before movies, works, and recently dogs. I really hope that she will like asking “where had you been? So tanned already~~XD” something like that……….And I even hoping that she will giving me a present?  I’m just dreaming…..i’m so naïve. I’m hoping that she know my bday n will prepare a present like what I give her during her bday….

Sometimes, messaging her is just feel like clapping with one hand. Feels like she’s just entertain you. Maybe this is just what I think of, maybe it’s not, maybe she’s hoping to see my name blinking on the taskbar too~~~hahaha~~~

On the following days, all I can talk is just helping siew yee to ask Kelisa about the puppy adoption. And works. That’s all. Yeap, I’m truly a big idiot nerd. And all I can/willing to do now is help her solve the puppy problem. That’s the only thing I can do…just hope her can free from this thing.

Before midnight, I started to write. 5 hours to Before sunrise, I had to end this.